Love is Radical, Unconditional Forgiveness

An Excerpt From my Book: "Zen Christianity:"

Jesus encouraged us to practice radical, unconditional forgiveness. It is the very type of forgiveness that has proven to have the most health and relational benefits for ourselves and others.

Jesus says in his famous Sermon on the Mount, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” (Matt 5:38-41, NIV) He was presenting a radical forgiveness that was a way of life.  “If someone asks you to go one mile,” as the oppressive Roman soldiers often gave the Jews their packs and had them carry them, “go two miles.”

He showed us an example of radical forgiveness in the Gospel of John. The woman’s accusers here slip away one by one and no longer try to punish her for her transgression because Jesus takes the lead, defies Jewish law, and forgives her:

“’Teacher,’ a mob said to Jesus, ‘this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?’

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, ‘All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!’ Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

 When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?’

‘No, Lord,’ she said.

And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I. Go and sin no more.’” (John 8:1-11 NLT)

From the context and history, Jesus was probably writing the accusors' names in the dust.  This was a sorrowful act signifying that they were not following God. In the beatitudes, Jesus says, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” (Matt: 5-7) To be merciful is to show forgiveness and compassion on those in need of it, which is all of us. But does this just mean we will deserve mercy from God only if we forgive? No. The mercy from God is unconditional.  The mercy of God was lavished on us before we were born through the life and (some believe) death of Christ. God does not withhold mercy and compassion from us until we forgive. We will receive mercy from others and, by them, experience the mercy of God freely given to us through them.  It can happen before or after we start having mercy and compassion on others.  Sometimes what gets the ball rolling is external to us: someone acting in love forgives us. But again, the two feed each other in a sustaining spiral that leads to no less than heaven on Earth, not to put too fine a point on it.  Forgiveness in this way is like a blessed pathogen.  It spreads from one person to another when just one person decides to forgive another. One person’s small act of forgiveness could spread the whole world over.  And, I think, it does.

In Luke 6:38, Jesus says “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.” To sum up, Jesus says, “give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Luke 6:38, NIV).  He is not talking about material riches.  From the context, he is talking about judging and its opposite: forgiveness.

Forgiveness is so important to relationships and it is the expression of love. My wife often does things that hurt me. I often do things that hurt her.  It isn’t because we are mean to each other or intend to cause harm, it is just because we are human and we are close. For instance, she grew up with a lot of criticism in her family.  Criticism was rare in my family.  So I never really knew how to handle criticism very well (and still don’t).  I view it as an attack on me as a person.  So my wife, having grown up with it (and because I give her plenty of things to be critical about) tends to criticize things I do.  It hurts me a lot because I hear it as “I don’t love you because…”  But when things like this hurt, I don’t think it is so much the thing itself, but the sting of my own internalized unforgiveness.  If I forgive the big things quickly, or see that it is not an attack on my character and forgive the small offense, it just rolls off my back like water off a duck. The sooner I can forgive her, the sooner the pain goes away. And forgiving IS love in action.  If I can forgive her every day, and I have plenty of chances because she is human, I am loving her.  If we were to stop forgiving each other it all would fall apart.  We wouldn’t love (forgive) each other anymore. I think the words are interchangeable. It’s that powerful: it is one in the same.

And to the extent I can forgive those close to me, is the extent to which I can forgive myself. When I was young, I heard it said that those who love us inevitably hurt us.  The truth of it didn’t really sink in.  It is true in a deep sense, and I have really become aware of this since I got married.  We open ourselves up to the people close to us.  If I feel they are rejecting me even in small ways, it goes right to a core insecurity. Maybe not all of you are affected as much, but I think everyone deals with this to large or small extents.  It is a fundamental human drive to want to be accepted.  Humans have traditionally lived in bands or tribes.  In order to function, the humans in one’s group have to practice acceptance.  Rejection from a band for most of human history could mean death.  That is imprinted on our very genes and it is still a very strong drive.  Humans don’t do well alone.

In order to not be alone, we have to forgive.  And in order to stay in relationship with someone, we will have to forgive over and over for as long as that relationship will last. Peter came up to Jesus and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Because as soon as we stop forgiving, that relationship will wither and die.  But forgiveness is the balm that soothes pain and heals relationships.  Forgiveness is the heart of love.