The Cycle of Relationship

    There is an Imago concept that we repeat our relationships until we learn from them.  This is true of unhealthy relationships: it is the dynamic that we repeat.  It reminds me somewhat of the Hindu concept of reincarnation: we repeat our lives, sometimes in the form of other living things, until we learn to do something different.  I think it is true in families as well.  In my family, there is a long history of divorce.  My father and mother were divorced.  It affected me deeply as my father left when I was 5.  I don't want to do the same to my daughter or my wife.  But there are some things about the dynamics with my wife that are hard on both of us. If unchecked, if we don't learn from them, they could eventually lead to divorce. My dad smoked his whole life, I think, to deal with interpersonal dynamics that repeated with my mother and his mother: much like the ones my wife and I deal with. There is a saying that men marry their mothers and women tend to marry their fathers. My wife and I have many of the same attributes of my mother and father. And so the cycle repeats.  On to many generations after us. "Keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation." (Exodus 34:7). "The Lord is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but he will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, to the third and the fourth generation." (Numbers 14:18).  You can see this is not a new concept, by any means.  These words were written as much as 3000 years ago.  The bible is a repository of such unadulterated wisdom! Iniquity is "guilt worthy of punishment."  It is our sons and daughters that reap that punishment as their relationships repeat our relationships from which we have not learned.  If we learn from our relationships, we conquer those things in ourselves that act like receptors for people with the issues that we have experienced before.  The patterns we learn get passed on to our children.  If they don't learn, our relationship dynamics get passed on to their children.  

     This all seems so hopeless, doesn't it.  I don't believe it is.  People grow and change in many ways in their adult life.  And we can learn from our previous relationships.  Not by focusing on the other person's issues, but by focusing on our own.  This is where counselors are so invaluable.  They help us grow much faster by reflecting our thoughts to us.  When we got married, my wife wanted us to meet with a couples' counselor regularly.  At for the most part, we have kept to this.  I think that before counselors, people relied on other couples to reflect back their own issues.  And, individualy,  people relied on close friends to deal with their own issues.  But I really feel that our Western culture is not designed so well for these types of deep relationships.  It seems to me that many of us are inclined to isolate.  My wife says we cannot go it alone.  She is wise...  I think that it is impossible to make it through life and grow without others to rely on. It is something I have only learned later in life. But this is a concept that occurs over and over in the children's books we read to my 20 month old daughter.  It is so important that she learns at an early age that she cannot go it alone.  Perhaps then, when she is older, she can break the chains of the burden my wife and I place on her: the burden to repeat the bad things about our relationship.  I want to give her every chance at healthy relationships, and so does my wife.

  After all, I think that people always want the best for their children.  And she can learn and grow, and avoid the trap of the negative things my wife and I pass on to her in our relationship.  And she can receive and practice the good things about our relationship.  My wife and I love each other very much, each in our own way.  I want to pass that on to my daughter.  And I want to see her break free of the negative things we pass on to her.  So, quite simply, she can grow and thrive and be happy. So she can be the angel she was designed to be. She is so wonderful.  She certainly deserves it.  And my wife deserves it too. I can break free of the things that have been passed on to me. Some times it is hard work to grow.  But we all grow.  That's how God made us: all living things grow.  It is what we are designed to do.