Turning away

I decided that I am not going to eat tonight.  Because the homeless guy outside the café where I am sitting might not eat tonight.  It is 8:22pm and I am hungry.  The first thing I did when I decided to do this, though I haven’t eaten much today, was to go down the street to the gas station and buy a pop and smoke a bunch of cigarettes.  So I threw them out.  When I get hungry, I smoke.  So I am not going to do that anymore tonight either.

The first thing I noticed when walking back to the café was all the restaurants on this street.  All warm and inviting and filled with people who were eating and enjoying each other’s company. I noticed several people smoking along the sidewalk.  I noticed the want in my heart.  Want for food, want for companionship, want for nicotine.

Back at the café I settled into a Henri Nouwen book.  He describes what it means to be Beloved. “Listening to that voice with great inner attentiveness, I hear at my center the words that say: I have called you by name, from the very beginning.  You are mine and I am yours.  You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother’s womb. I have carved you in the palm of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step,” Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved.

Instead of eating what I want, I am eating spiritual food. Yes, Henri Nouwen and Bruce Springsteen is spiritual food for me.  But if I listen past them, and every time I, for a minute, deny my own insatiable hunger for everything and want, I hear a voice that waters my soul: the second I stop. It is constant, calling to me, building me up when I tear myself down, pointing me outward instead of inward.  It is always there.  But I am too busy eating or smoking or working or sleeping or worrying, so I don’t hear it.  The moment I stop and decide not to eat or not to watch tv, or as soon as I open my bible, it is there.  It is loud. I have decided that I want to live in this other world.  Not the world I live in in my own head with my own selfish desires and appointments and thoughts, but in the real world that is just outside myself.  The world basking in the love of the creator.  That is the real world.

Jesus lived in this world.  He lived it every day, from the very start.  He started his ministry by fasting for 40 days and going out into the wilderness, where he was tempted by Satan.  He was first tempted with food. “Tell these stones to turn into bread.” Then with his own self-importance: from the highest point of the temple, Satan says “If you are the son of God, throw yourself down, [so the angels will catch you.]” Then with power, recognition, riches and success. “All this I will give you,” Satan said, showing him all the kingdoms in the world with all of their splendor, “if you will bow down and worship me.”
 

That’s it, isn’t it? Temptation.  It turns us away from God because it is not of God.  It beckons us, “come worship me instead.”  Every little choice you make that denies your own desires doesn’t just make you stronger, it moves you away from temptation and moves you instead toward God.  And do the second part of that act: turn your attention toward God, who will give you the strength to honor your turning away from your wants. Pray to him: “Lord help me in turning away so I can be close to you.”  He will give you the strength and will honor your simple act of choosing to dwell on him. Every time you turn off the tv, decide not to smoke, turn off the porn, give someone a dollar instead of spending it on yourself, give away your time, decide not to eat that donut, you are not only positioning yourself away from temptation, but you are actually bringing yourself in a position to hear God. You open yourself up to hearing his voice.  You open yourself up to experiencing his infinite, all consuming, insatiable love for you and everyone you know. Make the denial of little things part of your life. And instead, dwell on him. In little decisions throughout the day, put him before your wants. It is a small step, but it leads you to the Creator, the God who loves you and blesses your small efforts to be close to him. More than anything else, he wants to be part of your life.  Let him in through the simple act of denial of your wants.  He will give you the strength to do it. And you will find peace there.