Without Love, I am a charlatan

Without love, as a Christian, I am just a charlatan peddling a world view.  I feel that it is a world view
that is complete and total, healing and hopeful. But really without love, it is just another of many. In Christianity, it is said that God is the God of relationship.  The dogma I have accepted says he is three in one, father spirit and son in eternal relationship with each other.  So it makes sense that relationship would be important in this world view.  I think it was important to Jesus: he was always taking time for people, interacting with them on a deep level and being present with them.  And they responded. Like Zacchaeus, they ran to get a glimpse of him, and then he surprised everyone by coming to dinner with us - like Zacchaeus - unworthy sinners. 

And, as a Christian, when I say I am unworthy, I am not getting down on myself.  No, the bible teaches me to look upon myself as a unique, chosen individual at the receiving end of an eternal parent’s unbounded love. What I have learned from Christianity is that every human being, individually, is the focus of that infinite love. The infinite love that made the universe out of nothing, and that made me. No, I believe I am unworthy because I believe that God is supreme and Holy, perfect and loving beyond what I can fathom.  In the face of perfection, how can I do anything but wonder in hushed silence in a posture of worship of something greater. Naturally it makes me aware of my failings, because that is how I am.  Not that God wants this, mind you.  He wants my worship.  And worship of God for me is synonymous with attention.  He wants my attention - like everyone else in my life deserves.

But I can only give it if I am intentional in relationship with him, and when I, within the limitations of my broken state, love him back.  You can see how well I am doing with this by looking at my human relationships.  It says in scripture that if we cannot love our brother, we cannot love God. I believe this to be true. So how are my relationships at the moment? If they are broken, disconnected and full of shame, it is a reflection of the state of my heart. Because when I am not taking time away to think and to reflect (and I know I need this, maybe more than most), my heart is not as able to love. When I am not spending quality time with God, reading my bible, interacting with others in a personal and loving way, humbly serving the less fortunate, my personal relationships suffer because my heart suffers.  I have seen this in myself time and time again.

When I am full of myself - believing I know the truth, or conversely, full of myself - full of self-loathing and shame, I am only on the receiving end of consoling love. I have nothing to give. Nothing to give to others, nothing to give to my wife, my family, my neighbors, myself.  I know this of myself.  When I am not spending time in the presence of God, I consume his love and give nothing back.  It is wild, furious, nurturing, consoling, infinite and even romantic love.  And I am to be a vessel for it, getting filled up and giving it back to others.  (Well, at least, tamed down a little: people can be nervous).  When I give it back to others, growing those relationships, I may see them grow their relationship with what I believe is God.

Sometimes for me, it is just a world view. A complete and self-supporting, wholly self-consistent world view that has been fashioned by people much deeper, more intelligent and spiritual than I, over many centuries.  But just a world view I have adopted and customized for myself. (World views are ultimately unique to their owner). So when I tell someone else they are wrong, or even, “this is what works for me,” and I have no love, I am merely throwing my worldview at them, expecting them to take it.  But when I love, really love, my fellow human beings, I am inviting them to “come and see”, just like Jesus did.

I had a taste of this the other day.  I was walking into a gas station after thinking on these things.  I noticed the people going in and out and focused on one, and I was filled with such a deep compassion for him, that I had to pause. Time stood still, just for a second. And I noticed I had this same feeling for everyone that was coming and going in front of me.  I didn’t want anything from them, didn’t even see the need to do anything, because I think they would think that was weird, and I didn’t think any of them really needed anything from me at the moment.  I just had to stand there for a few seconds and drink it in.  It was a little reminder from God: if I could have this experience every time with every relationship I come in contact with (my wife, my family, my friends, my coworkers, my online acquaintances) I think I would be much further along the road to being like Jesus.  I cannot impart eternal life on another.  In fact, what is eternal life?  Jesus prayed to God in front of his disciples “eternal life is this: to know you. The only true God.” (John 17:3). So love for now. Love - giving my attention - takes me much closer to being someone that has a world view that others want to buy.