Addiction
I think everyone has some addiction, more or less. Something they value to the detriment of all else. Addiction runs the gamut: food, TV, drama, caffeine, sex, love, nicotine, attention, money, technology, entertainment, acquisition, pot, alcohol, hard drugs, control. I believe that the seriousness of it - how much it impacts peoples' daily functioning - varies in direct proportion to the level of self-loathing the person has.
I have a very strong addiction to nicotine. It impacts my family, my wife, my friends, even my dog. It impacts my health and my career. What is the salvation for a socially acceptable, but no less contemptible, junkie? It is only in the 12 steps and God that I personally have any hope of being free... Whatever I (or you) believe "God" is, and however well I (or you) knows the 12 steps, though we may have no formal knowledge of either actual thing.
What can I do to earn my freedom? Nothing. My freedom has been freely given. It is up to me to accept it. And acceptance, I think, is what it is all about. Acceptance of my own issues, leftover from 40 years of growing, starting with my earliest years of formation. Acceptance that I am powerless. That there is nothing I can do about the craving for relief, or about the trials in life. It/they will come, repeatedly, until the day I die. Hopefully it will get easier, as everyone who has been sober tells me. The only counter measure is to accept it. Live with it. It sounds so horrible until I realize what I am saying: "LIVE, with it." The choice is to live, truly live, or to die. I have had some short tastes of what it means to live. Some small instances of time without my master lording separation from the reality of beauty over me. I have felt again. Just for a time. Smelled the beautiful sweet, succulent air that is free for everyone to take in repeatedly. Life-giving air that asks for nothing in return, but by its very existence, deserves every human's unceasing thankfulness. Just as life itself demands nothing of us, but is deserving of the unending thankful recognition of every person who dares to know its worth.
And how do I know its worth? How do I think I know the worth of my life? Because, in many ways, I have been without it for so long. I have been lost in the depths of a darkness so deep that I am unaware of the darkness, because I have forgotten what light looks like. I go through my days deluded into thinking that I am perfectly happy. Perfectly happy as long as i am secure... meaning that I have my drug in ample supply at the ready. But reality, as is so often the case in this world, this spiritual existence, is turned on its head. It is literally upside down. The minute I give up the thing I want the most, is the minute I gain everything else that is of any worth at all in this world, in this life, in this existence. I think that we do not live a merely physical life here on this planet. We live a spiritual life - our bodies and the physical realities around us are incidental. I need to grow, spiritually - to overcome. I think that this is the purpose of life.
I think that every person must become experientially knowledgeable of the pain available to us in life. Because it is through pain, disappointment, despair and all those other "negative" aspects of life, that the seeds of the most beautiful appreciation for the joy and the fullness of the experience of life are granted. I think that it is the moment we turn our gaze to something beyond the physical world, that we enter into the life as we were meant to live it. A life lived one precious moment at a time. Every single moment savored as the sweetest gift and imbued with all the joy, all the love and all the worth that exists in the universe. Every single breath valued as if it could be our last: that is heaven. And its result: that every human being (every other spiritual being that we come in contact with) is valued so highly that we spend our efforts attending to their needs and conversely, having our spiritual needs met by God through them. That is my definition of heaven. Because isn't that how it works? Time is free. But it is the most valuable thing that we will ever come to know on this side of death. I think that time (and attention) is the most valuable thing we can give to someone - or to God as we understand him. And so we are able to freely give our invaluable time to others, not to our addictions, and freely receive other's invaluable time intentionally given to us. Because in this, we trade in the currency of life. And our lives can be so rich.
I have a very strong addiction to nicotine. It impacts my family, my wife, my friends, even my dog. It impacts my health and my career. What is the salvation for a socially acceptable, but no less contemptible, junkie? It is only in the 12 steps and God that I personally have any hope of being free... Whatever I (or you) believe "God" is, and however well I (or you) knows the 12 steps, though we may have no formal knowledge of either actual thing.
What can I do to earn my freedom? Nothing. My freedom has been freely given. It is up to me to accept it. And acceptance, I think, is what it is all about. Acceptance of my own issues, leftover from 40 years of growing, starting with my earliest years of formation. Acceptance that I am powerless. That there is nothing I can do about the craving for relief, or about the trials in life. It/they will come, repeatedly, until the day I die. Hopefully it will get easier, as everyone who has been sober tells me. The only counter measure is to accept it. Live with it. It sounds so horrible until I realize what I am saying: "LIVE, with it." The choice is to live, truly live, or to die. I have had some short tastes of what it means to live. Some small instances of time without my master lording separation from the reality of beauty over me. I have felt again. Just for a time. Smelled the beautiful sweet, succulent air that is free for everyone to take in repeatedly. Life-giving air that asks for nothing in return, but by its very existence, deserves every human's unceasing thankfulness. Just as life itself demands nothing of us, but is deserving of the unending thankful recognition of every person who dares to know its worth.
And how do I know its worth? How do I think I know the worth of my life? Because, in many ways, I have been without it for so long. I have been lost in the depths of a darkness so deep that I am unaware of the darkness, because I have forgotten what light looks like. I go through my days deluded into thinking that I am perfectly happy. Perfectly happy as long as i am secure... meaning that I have my drug in ample supply at the ready. But reality, as is so often the case in this world, this spiritual existence, is turned on its head. It is literally upside down. The minute I give up the thing I want the most, is the minute I gain everything else that is of any worth at all in this world, in this life, in this existence. I think that we do not live a merely physical life here on this planet. We live a spiritual life - our bodies and the physical realities around us are incidental. I need to grow, spiritually - to overcome. I think that this is the purpose of life.
I think that every person must become experientially knowledgeable of the pain available to us in life. Because it is through pain, disappointment, despair and all those other "negative" aspects of life, that the seeds of the most beautiful appreciation for the joy and the fullness of the experience of life are granted. I think that it is the moment we turn our gaze to something beyond the physical world, that we enter into the life as we were meant to live it. A life lived one precious moment at a time. Every single moment savored as the sweetest gift and imbued with all the joy, all the love and all the worth that exists in the universe. Every single breath valued as if it could be our last: that is heaven. And its result: that every human being (every other spiritual being that we come in contact with) is valued so highly that we spend our efforts attending to their needs and conversely, having our spiritual needs met by God through them. That is my definition of heaven. Because isn't that how it works? Time is free. But it is the most valuable thing that we will ever come to know on this side of death. I think that time (and attention) is the most valuable thing we can give to someone - or to God as we understand him. And so we are able to freely give our invaluable time to others, not to our addictions, and freely receive other's invaluable time intentionally given to us. Because in this, we trade in the currency of life. And our lives can be so rich.
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