The Spirit Of God - What it is to me.

     What shall I compare the spirit of God to?  It is like a thick fog blanketing the land for as far as
you can see.  Settling over the fields and valleys peacefully.  Shot through with unexpected sunlight. It has come to me over and over when I am sitting in the living room soaking to music, wrapped up in a warm blanket, watching my prayer candle flicker.  I am simply not myself without a regular experience of the Spirit. It beckons me to come out of my shell.  To interact with the people I meet as I go through my day with love.  It invites me into the mystery of the Trinity.  Beholds Jesus.

     When I see Jesus, he is always smiling at me warmly.  No scars from the wip and cross.  He is whole, and he encourages me to be whole. Wholly myself.  At peace with all the parts inside.  He invites me to feel my emotions and then let them go.  I imagine them coming into a black empty space in my head, and then drifting up and out.  This brings me peace when experiencing anger or fear, joy or gladness.  I used to be afraid of my emotions.  I stuffed them down, even the good ones, because I was afraid they would force me to act in ways I did not want to and had no control over. I realized, now that I could experience and name my emotions, that I was scared a lot.  All the time.  At simple things and large things in my life. But all that is falling away.  I am more available to experience the Spirit of God.

     I am so much more at peace with myself.  More at peace with my neighbor.  More inspired to get involved in causes.  To feed the hungry, clothe the naked, tend to the poor and the sick.

     I can't imagine living without it.  What would I do?  I would be stuck in my old self.  What would I read?  I spend hours reading spiritual books and growing: I would be stunted. Everything about my life now is seen in context of a long journey.  A journey I have grown into.  And a series of battles to be won.  And I always win eventually with love on my side.  I am becoming an old soul.  I have scars and lines on my face.  But they simply enhance my smile.  A smile that comes from a peace deep within. I want to invite people to see this in me, so they can find it for themselves.                      

Life is so much more full with the presence of God.  I cannot fathom any other life for me or my family.  If this is a dream, I don't plan to wake up.  But I know it's not.  It's reality, more real and true than the solid objects around us.  Those will all fade and decay.  This is the permanent wave washing through life, an endless river that I have plunged into.  But it was not a plunge.  It was a slow testing of the water with my toe, and then my foot, and then up to my waste.  I slowly fell into it.  It was not my will, I just started asking deeper questions, and then had the patience to listen for an answer.  I think everybody asks the deep questions at some point.  But many people don't wait for the answer.  Listen for it and it will come to your mind as clear as day.  And if you read scripture, you will recognize the voice.  And the answers, or rather, the right questions will become clear.  

     It is not to say that I am perfect.  Far from it.  I lost my best friend a year ago because I was too self centered to know when I was hurting someone else.  But I have come a long ways since then.  I am not perfect.  No, in fact, I am a hopeless sinner.  Always doing what I should not do.  But God does not reprimand me.  He attracts me.  Attracts me to peace and I want to follow him there by acting peacefully.  I still get mad and scared.  But it doesn't last as long, and I don't often act on it.  It is so much easier.  But there are still areas of my life that I have not given over to God.  My smoking is the biggest one.  It affects my life so much, and the lives of all  the people who are close to me.  I am working on it.  It is part of a battle I am fighting for my little family.  But as I said, I am on a journey, and there are many battles to be fought.  But if I live in the peace of his presence, I will never tire.  Never give in, give up, or lose hope.  His presence is an infinite well of hope. I hope everyone finds this for themselves in some form or another.