A Man's Best Friend

  You are about twelve years old now.  I got you from the pound when you were two.  I don't actually know how old you are or when your birthday is because they just estimated by your teeth that you were about two years old.  I was such a lonely bachelor and I had a hard night.  I made up my mind to go to the pound and just look at the dogs the next morning.  When I pulled up, I saw you right away in your outdoor pen.  Without a second thought, I said to myself, this is my dog. You were so beautiful, with your brown short hair and your black Shepard muzzle and pointy dingo ears. I came in and took you for a walk.  You were just so happy to get out of that little 10x10 pen.  I took you home to my little apartment and made your birthday my birthday and we have celebrated them together all these years.  You were just happy to get a pig ear on your birthday.  I was so thankful every year on my birthday for your companionship.

     We have been through many HARD times together.  Those years when I battled with depression and mania while going through school and working full time to support us.  Those nights when I would scream into my pillow and you would cower across the room.  But afterward you would approach me gingerly and put your muzzle in my hands and I would stroke your head and weep.  You were the very hand of God in my life.  You saved me from myself time and time again: if I wasn't around, there would be no one to take care of you.  You depended on me and I came through for you.

     When I lived in those small apartments alone, we would take walks every time you had to go outside.  So you were lean and muscular and healthy.  And those walks did the same for me.  They helped keep me in shape and helped me get outside and get some exercise, which was good for my mental health.

     The years went by. Your muzzle and your face slowly turned white. You taught me to take care of someone outside of my self.  You, in some part, taught me how to love unconditionally by the way you loved me unconditionally. They used to say that animals don't experience emotions the way we do.  But it has been shown that in some way, they approximate ours - even unconditional love. I took care of you even through the hard times. Not that you required much, just food, water, walks, and love.  As the years went by I found someone I could love too. And she loved you. When you were 9, she and I got married.  She moved up here from Nashville, and into our new condominium.  Now you had "a pack" to sit in proximity to in the family room.  And you had someone around during those long days when I was at work. Now you had her cat in your pack, and you would playfully go down in a puppy stance and she would bat at your head with her paw.  You and the cat were really good with each other. And I know you loved having her and my new wife around during the long days. I came home at lunch to see my two beautiful girls: the woman I loved, and the beautiful little brown four-legged girl that taught me to love. Still we had to take walks and I had been running, and you ran along side me.  We went everywhere together.   Where ever I went, I would take you.  And you were happy just to ride along in the car and stick your head out the window.  Aynsley and I decided we wanted to start a family.  We moved into a little one-story near downtown.  I loved the big bright windows in the house, and you did too.  Standing on your chair and looking out the window, you greeted me every time I came home from a long day.  You nuzzled my legs with your head and wagged your tail.  And I told you what a good girl you were.  The other thing we liked about the house was a big fenced-in back yard.  You loved hanging out in the back yard and just sitting on the patio and reading the wind for smells.

     In our new house, we would take walks up to the gas station and I would tie you to the bike rack and sit vaping and having a fountain drink.  You never judged me - you were incapable of that kind of thinking. You would sit and watch the people and bark at the occasional dog in their cars.  People came up to you and greeted you, and you greeted them happily like old friends.  You were always at my side.

     You were such a good girl, always staying within proximity to me, even when you were off leash in the front yard.  We would just sit, you lying in the grass, and take in the sounds and sights of life happening around us in the neighborhood.  You would listen to me when you strayed too far because I taught you to come "back this way."  I would say, "Izzy, back this way," and you would turn and meander back to me. Your obedience is a result of a relationship built on deep mutual trust.  I trust you and you trust me.

    After a year of trying, Aynsley finally got pregnant.  We put up a gate in front of the bedrooms and you began sleeping out in the family room.  We did this to prepare you for the arrival of the baby, so your coughing would not wake her up at night.  Two weeks ago, we brought our little girl home from the hospital.  You sniffed her briefly and went about your business.  You accepted another little life into your loving pack. And I know that all of it, the marriage, the new family, were in some part because of you.  Because you taught me that 99% of love is just showing up.  Day in and day out, just showing up for others is what makes love happen.

     I am so grateful to you.  The love I feel for you was born in hard times. And you, with your years before you were rescued, had hard times of your own.  I think that is why you are so grateful and attentive to me.  We probably only have a few years left.  But I am glad you are here to see my new family grow.  I am glad you are here to be in the pack with the new "little puppy" that just eats and sleeps and cries. But you don't mind it. As long as I still stroke your head and put food in your bowl and take you for walks.  Pretty soon, we'll take the new "little puppy" out in her stroller and you can walk with us.  I walk you as much as I can, so we can have the most time together on this earth as possible.

     You are my friend.  My comrade though tough times.  The hand of God in my life, helping me to grow, to love, and to learn to love myself.  I have been slowly learning to love myself over the years we have been together, so I could love others and learn that the secret to it all was just showing up.  You have always been there for me.  And when you finally go on to another existence, I have got to believe that you will be waiting for me: standing at the window, just anticipating me coming home.