The Father, I Am.

     I love being a father.  Our baby, Delia Simone Fant, was born four weeks ago.  These four weeks have been magical.  And I have learned so much about her, about my wife Aynsley, and about myself.  You see, before Delia was born, I never gave my wife enough credit.  She was always taking over-the-counter medications for the slightest stiffly nose or pain in some part of her body. I always said she missed her calling and should be a pharmacist. I was really worried she wouldn't be able to handle the pain and have the endurance for labor.  How wrong I was.  She was such a trooper.  And I grew so much closer to her helping her through it.  Late in the evening she had begun having slight contractions.  They progressed, getting more intense by 11:00 pm.  She labored alone for a while and then woke me up at 2:00 am.  We decided to go to the hospital.  She was really tired and the nurses said we could stay or go back home.  Then she started throwing up.  I didn't want to get in the car that way so they admitted us.  She was having intense contractions by now, and in the triage room there was a sign for volunteer birth doulas.  I called and one came in an hour. She was a young lady, in her 20's and had never had children of her own.  But she had such a gift as a doula.  She was a huge help. My wife was having painful contractions but wasn't dilating in the first few hours.  Since she was so tired, she and I thought she should try Morphine.  She fell back asleep and while she was sleeping she dilated to 4 centimeters.  The medication wore off and she asked for a epidural.  She labored for a while in the meantime.  I was so proud of her.  She handled it so well, and the Doula helped me to help her.  

     Once she got the epidural things got easier.  Then the epidural stopped working and she was in a great deal of pain because she had entered the most painful phase of labor.  She was in so much pain, I encouraged her to ask for a second epidural because the first had probably begun to come out.  She labored for a short time and then it was time to push.  Delia arrived at 12:32 am in the morning.  My wife, Aynsley, was so strong through the whole thing.  She was so strong enduring the pain and pushing even when she didn't think she could.  I walked her through a mental exercise of envisioning herself back on her hikes to Mt. Lacont, where she had been going once a year for the past several years.  I was so happy to be of some help to her in this trial.

     We brought Delia home after 2 days and our wonderful lives were changed forever.  I am learning how to lead by example and work with my wonderful co-leader (my wife) in finding our way through the challenges of caring for our new baby.  And the awake times when Delia is alert and just looks into my face, or lays naked on my chest, are such wonderful times.  I have never known anything so gratifying.

     The obvious comparison to God the Father are rich.  I only had a cursory understanding of God as a father until I became one.  I would do anything for this little girl.  And I know, despite whatever she may do in her life, she is perfect to me.  A perfect creation of God the father, entrusted to us to raise in his ways.  She is perfectly made to be a unique person in the world, and the best person at being who she is - the best who has ever existed.  As are we. We are singularly inherently capable of becoming a unique and beautiful creation that has never existed before in the history of the world.  Whatever we do, wherever we may go, with all our flaws and failures, we are perfect.  Perfect at being us.  The trick in life is to learn who we are: learn our strengths and weaknesses and unique gifts and then become that.  I want to teach Delia how to do this on her journey to becoming whomever she is inside.  Just like God teaches me.  I am going to make sure she knows she is loved and she is uniquely capable of being a new thing in the world, one that has never existed before.  She is a beautiful creation that will change the world in many ways, small and perhaps big.

     She is bathed in love on a daily basis by all of us (Aynsley's family members have been coming over to help out.)  I hope that love grows into a deep respect and enjoyment of other people that will carry Delia through the rest of her life.  We have noticed already that she is a very social baby.  I think she gets this inclination from her mother, whose life has always been so interwoven with others.  I am so glad she is growing up in the environment my wife and I am creating for our little family.  I know there are many ways I could improve.  But I am learning to trust my instincts as a father.  I am so excited to see her grow and develop.  I am so excited to be an integral part of that.  I now know that this is how God, the Great "I Am," feels about us.

     When Aynsley was pregnant, we visited another church on Father's day because we were going to see a new friend play on the worship team.  Midway through the service, the pastor asked all the fathers to stand up.  Aynsley put her hand on my back and said, "you're a father too. Stand up."  So I did.  Then we sang Chris Tomlan's "Good, Good Father" song to God.  And while I was singing, I felt like God was singing it back to me.  I put that song on my playlist and I play it now when I have Delia resting on my shoulder during my God soaking times.  (I am so happy she can be a part of my soaking times now.)  I always have that frame of reference now when I think about God and when I think about myself.  God is a "Good, Good Father," and he has fathered me in so many ways.  He fathered me through my earthly father.  He fathered me through other men in my life.  He fathered me through all the struggles and circumstances of my life.  He did it all so I could grow into who I am and become a good father too.