Love and Loathing

     Love.  I talk about it a lot in this blog.  That is because it is so central to Christianity, in Jesus-brand spirituality as my former pastor and friend used to call it.  According to my counselor, my ability to love is one of my biggest strengths.  But do I really know how to love?  Far from it.  Certain people in my life through certain actions have sent me into a burst of anger that comes out when I talk about them. If I really knew how to love, I would love my "enemies." I would forgive and forget. Because in love, there are no enemies. So why do I rage like this?  You could say it is because I am a fallen man living in a fallen world.  But that is using the garden of Eden as an excuse.  No, there is a much simpler explanation that does not scapegoat good old Adam. 

     Let me explain.  I've heard it said that the past and the present in our emotional lives are like the two wires that make up every electrical cord - positive and ground.  In their normal state the past and the present run parallel and don't touch in our emotional lives.  But every once in a while, the wires touch, and when the past touches the present, sparks fly.  I had an old friend in high school who turned on me, and the last time I saw him, I could see pleasure in his face and in his voice when he saw me in a deep depression.  Twenty years later, I raged about him to my best friend.  A mention of him brought the past in to the present and sparks flew. But I have learned, it had nothing to do with him.  In fact, it had nothing to do with any of the people I have felt anger towards.  It has to do with a can of shaving cream...

     When I was five years old, my father packed up and left my mother.  I have a distinct memory of that day burned into my consciousness. My dad was taking his suitcases out to the car in the gravel driveway.  It was bright and sunny.  My mom was back in the house.  I, being 5, and absolutely worshiping my father, was helping him carry stuff out to the car.  One of the things I had in my hand was a can of shaving cream and I dropped it.  I can't remember if it broke open on the gravel driveway or if it just landed on its top, but shaving cream squirted out all over the driveway.  My dad turned to me, and knowing him, he probably said "God damn it, Jeff."  It probably wasn't even that bad.  But what I heard in my five-year-old head was "you stupid kid, you made a mistake, and I am leaving because of it."  Every child that has had a parent leave blames himself or herself.  But this particular memory planted a seed for many of my problems, including my anger.  After my Dad left, I became an angry kid - punching things, breaking lamps and putting holes in the walls when something set me off.  Later in life I became a perfectionist.  And any insinuation that I wasn't the best at something, or my work wasn't perfect, or worse, I was stupid, met with white-hot anger. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes, and if I did, or if someone perceived that I did and pointed it out, sparks flew.  I have been told I have to go back there and tell that little boy he is loved and he did nothing wrong.  Because everywhere I go, every situation I am in, I carry that little boy with me.  It sounds like a lot to pin on one memory.  I assure you, it was a formative moment for me.

     So why do I have to go back and tell this little boy that he is loved?  Because he is me. And God

will help me do it. One part of the most central verses to all of Christianity is "love thy neighbor, as thyself." Why? Because you can't truly love others until you love yourself.  It is not a pithy saying spouted by self-help authors.  It is the cold hard truth, revealed in the pages of scripture.  One cannot truly love unless he learns to love himself.  There are parts of myself I love.  And when I see these things in other people, I feel love for them.  But if I hate a part of myself, I will hate it when I see it in others.  And so I will never truly be able to say I love my enemies.  I will simply be incapable of it.  Jesus knew this when he said "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets,"  and, I would argue, all of Christianity that came after Christ.  I believe that anything that does not stand the test of being in line with this verse, is not Jesus-brand Christianity. 

     So where does this leave me?  I want to learn to be capable of true love.  I think it is a central point to life to develop this. So then I have a gigantic task ahead of me.  I have to get out of the role I have fallen into over the years of being a condemning parent to this little five year old boy in me.

     What is your can of shaving cream?  Is it one crystal clear memory like mine?  Or is it a bunch of things? Is it a way you were treated over time? Is it a situation in which you found yourself and have fallen into again and again ever since? It may be a formative relationship. Do you have a can of shaving cream?  I bet you do if you look hard enough.  I think that our calling on this planet is to be lights reflecting God's love out on other people, other living things, and the whole world.  There are no enemies in that.  They may be our enemies but we are not theirs. Some day before I die, I hope I can get to a place where I can truly love. That I can get to a place of health where I can love myself and so, love my neighbor.  Only then will I have fulfilled what I believe is my purpose as a human being, as a beloved child of God. A Human Being Loved, so that he can love.  A human being loved by God and by himself, so that he can truly "love others as thyself."