Men, most of us, have a deep wound.
Men, most of us, have a deep father wound. A wound from a perceived or concrete injustice inflicted upon us, usually unknowingly, by our fathers. It is part of our spiritual journey from boyhood to manhood to go through the healing of this wound. Our fathers were human. They were not perfect. And they suffered their own wounds. There is no perfect father but God. And God, or another man fathering us, can heal this wound.
My father left the family when I was 5. As a child of that crucial age, I perceived that he was leaving ME. I was left alone to be raised by my mother and two sisters. I could not get from them the kind of validation I needed from a man. I had no one to show me, on a day to day basis, what I was meant to become. I spent my entire young life impersonating the people I looked up to. And mirroring back to people the kind of person I perceived they wanted me to be. I was looking for validation. But I wasn't being myself. There was a guy in high school, a few years older than me. I looked like him. I had the same name as him. I impersonated him. I cut my hair like him. I dressed like him. I took on his mannerisms and even his friends. He got the girls and had lots of friends, and so did I. But I was not being my self: I still wanted validation from my father. My father was named Tom Fant. He flew A4 Phantoms in the Marines. I took on his name as my handle for the internet: Fantom.
This wound defines our lives until we are healed of it.
In the movie Good Will Hunting, there is a scene where Will's father wound is healed. This is what healing from a father wound looks like.
Will: Fear of abandonment? Is that why I broke up with Skylar?
Sean: I didn't know you had.
Will: Yeah, I did.
Sean: You wanna talk about it?
Will: No.
Sean: Hey, Will? I don't know a lot. You see this? All this shit?
[Holds up the file, and drops it on his desk]
Sean: It's not your fault.
Will: [Will shrugs] Yeah, I know that.
[Will averts his eyes to the floor]
Sean: Look at me son.
[Will locks eyes with Sean]
Sean: It's not your fault.
Will: [Will nods] I know.
Sean: No. It's not your fault.
Will: I know
Sean: No, no, you don't. It's not your fault.
[Sean moves closer to Will]
Sean: Hmm?
Will: I know.
[Will stands up, trying to keep distance]
Sean: It's not your fault.
Will: Alright.
Sean: It's not your fault.
[Will closes his eyes, he's fighting for control]
Sean: It's not your fault.
Will: Don't fuck with me.
[Will shoves Sean back]
Will: Don't fuck with me, Sean, not you!
Sean: It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
[Will breaks into sobs. They hug]
The father wound can be healed by another man who loves you speaking words directly to your heart. They go right into your soul and heal the pain. Or this can be done by God. My father wound was healed by God. In the creation story, Adam is created on the 6th day. All the days up to that, God said when he completed his work, "It is good." But when he completed Adam and Eve, he said "It is very good." He knew each Adam with all our flaws and strengths to come, and said it is very good. You are very good. One night this sank in when I was soaking to some music. I heard a voice saying, "you are very good." It spoke to my soul. All those years of acting fell away. I was known by God, and he validated me. He said, "you are you, and you are very good."
This changed my relationships. I started having opinions of my own. Some relationships, including a friendship with my best friend, came to an end. Painfully. But I was able to see other men in a new light, and I started developing deeper relationships with men. Men who knew their father wound and had been healed. I also inherited a men's group. In that group I long for many of the men to be healed of their wounds. And I try to foster an environment conducive to that. If men were all healed of these deep wounds, our world would be a much more loving place. Men would not feel so guarded and could be vulnerable with other guys and with their wives. It would change the whole conversation about what it means to be a good man. It would change the world. I want to be a part of this for the guys I know in my life. And I cherish the relationships with other men so much more.
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